“Before I Die ”

The coldness of the bathtub and the burning anger within me were locked in a battle—a battle in which my self-love was slowly losing. My tired, sorrowful face stared back at me through the broken mirror resting in the corner of the washbasin. The shattered glass was a reminder of last night, when my anger had finally found something to destroy. It had left the mirror in countless pieces, much like the fragments I had been forcing together within myself. They, too, longed to fall apart freely, but my anger refused to let them.

I looked at my reflection and wondered how many pieces of myself I had been hiding from the world. At this point, I didn't need anyone to tell me who I was supposed to become. I didn't need someone else to define my worth or shape my path according to expectations that were never truly mine. What I needed was my self-love.

But then a question quietly found its way into my mind.

If I truly had lost all love for myself, why was there still a part of me holding on?

Maybe self-love had never disappeared. Maybe it had simply been buried beneath expectations that were never mine to carry. Beneath the endless race to achieve, to prove, and to become someone worthy in the eyes of the world. Somewhere along the way, the world had stolen my shine, and I had mistaken that loss for losing myself.

**Dear Diary,**

Today, I am writing not as a shattered person consumed by countless thoughts about herself, but as someone who is truly devoted to her life and ready to be reborn through “Before I Die.”

If I were to define death in my own words, it would not simply mean the end of life. To me, death is the moment when you no longer have a purpose to wake up for. It is when you no longer have the intention to show love and care to others. It is when you intentionally blur yourself among millions of people, choosing to become invisible instead of embracing the person you were always meant to be.

Am I dead? No.

I am just confused.

And it is okay to be confused about your own emotions. Because somewhere deep inside me, there is still a wish list waiting to be fulfilled. The dream of learning how to drift a car, the dream of travelling somewhere beautiful like Paris, the dream of experiencing moments I have never lived before, and the dream of writing something that makes a stranger feel understood even for a moment in a world where so many feelings remain unspoken.

Those dreams are still there.

Some part of me is still alive.

The ticking of my wristwatch was no longer just a measure of time. Every tick was a reminder that I was still here, still breathing, still alive. With every heartbeat, with every breath, life was quietly whispering to me.

I am alive, I am alive

And maybe that is what “Before I Die” truly means.

Before I die, I want to forgive, create, love, explore, and become the person I was always meant to be.