Breaking the Cycle: Why we must end the legacy of silence

When I got married, I was optimistic of the life ahead of me. I believed that I was starting a life filled with love, respect, and partnership, where we will both build a home and support each other’s ambitions and help in times of challenges. Of course, I understood that every marriage has difficulties and I was well prepared for that. What I didn’t know is that the reality would turn out to be different.

I have endured all forms of abuse in my marriage in a span of six years. One of them is emotional abuse. There is no visible bruises on my body, but the wounds I carry inside are deeper and painful than a sword’s cut. It didn’t all begin at once. It started with criticism disguised as jokes. Then it accelerated to mocking my opinions in front of his family members. You see, being a housewife has never been easy for me, especially after leaving my salaried job. He constantly belittled every achievement I made which lowered my self-esteem and even destroyed my confidence over time. The worst part is that he made me feel incapable of making family decisions. No matter how hard I tried to show him my capabilities, it was never enough. There was no room for mistakes in his house. And if I made one, he would remind me of it for weeks.

This started after I left my job in the name that I want to take care of my family. Of course this is after my husband convinced me that it is the right thing to do. Little did I know that was the beginning of my troubles. The independence I had was lost. I had no access of money and so I had to rely on him completely. This dependence became his means of control hence making escape seem impossible. In the society, my husband was the sweetest, most kind and generous man. Everyone admires his personality and our family setup. You see, from outside we appeared a normal family. But behind closed doors, I was living in a state of constant anxiety. I was so cautious not trigger another argument, insults, and even silent treatment. He would go days and even weeks without uttering a word to me. He would only communicate with kids. I became lonely, isolated and even overwhelmed emotionally. I cried at night when no one would hear me. I yearned for affection and acknowledgement which never came.

I was afraid of having a conversation with him coz he would twist every word I uttered to suit his narrative. I found myself apologising for things I have never even thought of doing simply to keep the peace. I lost confidence in my appearance, my intelligence, and even my ability to make choices either my own or for my family. Slowly, I started to doubt myself and even believed that I deserve such treatment. What if I leave? Would that be so selfish of me? Furthermore, “what do I bring on the table.” I was entrapped. I didn’t know whether to stay to protect my family and its image or to leave to protect myself.

The breaking point was two months ago when he came home and started to verbally attack me and my kids. He clearly stated that he is ready to start another family and I should leave with my kids. I made a bold step of leaving. Yes, I FINALLY LEFT. Even if I don’t know where to start, I believe that everything happens for a reason and God is always in control. I have decided to start again not thinking of what will people say but thinking of my three kids and myself.

One thing I have learnt about emotional abuse is that it might not be visible to others but leaves a scar that may never heal. It is about making someone feel powerless, worthless, small, and dependent. It is about convincing someone that they deserve the treatment they are receiving.it has been two months now since I left my marriage but the harsh words, the mistreatment, and even the gas lighting is still fresh in my mind. The words still hurts and can’t even control my tears as am writing this.

I kept silent in the name of protecting my family. We were brought up being taught that a virtuous woman is the one who keeps her family matters hidden from the public. SILENCE PROTECTS ABUSE.

I am in the healing process and I am aware that healing is not easy. I have decided to speak out at this time when the pain is still fresh to create awareness and hope. I want other women who are experiencing emotional abuse to know that their pain is real, their feelings are valid and that they are not alone.

I am learning to rebuild myself: my self-esteem, trust my own voice, and recognize my value as a woman and also as a human being. I am learning not to allow someone else to define me. I am choosing to define myself.

This story is not only about resilience, survival and courage to reclaim my life after years of emotional abuse, it is about breaking the cycle of abuse. Our parents may have endured pain in the name of maintaining family’s image. However, it is time to break this cycle of surviving through silence. We must honour our parent’s sacrifices not by repeating their suffering, but by learning from it. We must share our stories widely, seek support and chose a healthier plan for the cycle to break.

We owe it to ourselves, our children and our future generation to create families built on dignity where every members feel safe, respected and valued.

I have taken the first step of telling my story. I would love to have a psychological view. If anyone would love to assist kindly inbox.